On doubts.


There is something comforting about working hard all the time, I imagine.

When you work hard you get the feeling that you are doing alright, that you are on track, and that everything will be fine.

But what if you don’t.
What if you doubt yourself all the time.

Isn’t there value in that also?

"Sure," they will say "a little doubt is good! You shouldn't take things for granted! Questioning yourself might lead to new things. It gets you to find different solutions"

But what if it doesn’t?

What if you just keep doubting? 
What if you don’t reach any solutions?

What if the only thing you end up with is a large collection of doubts? 

Isn't there value in that?
Intricate well-formulated sincere beautiful doubts.....


Failing hard.

I'm failing again today. Not gently. Hard.

I should do something, but I'm not doing it. What that is? I'm even embarrassed to tell you. 
Alright, here goes: I should connect my drawing tablet to my laptop and install the thing.
I've been saying I'm going to do that for weeks now. Still haven't.

I'm not going to be doing it today. It's already too late and I have to go in an hour or two.
If that wouldn't have been the case I'm sure I would have found another excuse, tho'...

Why is this so "difficult"? Yes, I had some problems with it when I installed it before, but I fixed that. It should be working now. 

But what if it's not? 

It's like I don't want to be in that place. The place where something is not working and I have to figure out what I have to do to make it work.

And what if it does work?
Then I have to stop not using it.
That is.... even scarier.

Yesterday, I talked to a friend who had to start working on her new website. She also had been postponing doing that for quite a while. She said: "Tomorrow, I'm going to work on it." And I replied: "No, you're not. You say you will, today, but tomorrow you are going to chicken out and do nothing - you just wait and see...."

I am such an asshole.


She worked at it from noon 'till two or something.

Shows me right.